Sharing - 5 Things a Loving Parent Never Says

~ Posted on Monday, February 1, 2016 at 12:01 AM ~

I came across this article which I must definitely share with you guys as I'm very interested to know your thoughts on this. Do note that sharing this does not mean I agree or disagree with it. For your convenience, I have copied the excerpts from the article here:

Being a parent is a difficult job, and it’s no wonder that not all of us succeed at it. We all bring a fair amount of baggage to the enterprise—our personalities, how we experienced parenting ourselves, how well we manage our emotions and express our feelings, how empathic we are, and, of course, how comfortable we are in our own skins.

A large part of good parenting involves avoiding behaviors that can damage your child. It’s a psychological truism that “bad is stronger than good,” meaning that negative events have a much more significant impact on humans than good ones. For this, we can thank evolution. To increase the odds of survival, the hardiest of our forebears were much more reactive to bad things and committed them to memory faster and more completely than good or benign ones. It’s still true of us, all these millennia later.

In their terrific book, Parenting from The Inside Out, Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzwell distinguish between high-road and low-road mental processing. When you’re on the high road, you’re very aware of the emotional baggage you have in tow and what triggers your own worst responses. You work at being present and rational, committing yourself to thinking things through rather than being reactive.

High-road processing tends to present different possible responses to a situation, and keeps you in the driver’s seat. Imagine that your child suddenly starts crying when you’re in the middle of something you need to get done, and it’s irritating you. You register your feelings of annoyance, tamp them down, and then think, "I need to find out why she’s crying. I have to stop what I’m doing and spend a few minutes helping her calm down.” High-road processing effectively invites your best self in as your child’s parent.

Then there’s low-road processing, which has you forget about your emotional baggage and become a quivering mass of emotional reactivity the second your kid starts crying because, dammit, you have stuff to get done. Low-road processing hijacks your conscious thought process and ability to be empathic. You just let whatever you’re feeling rip, either yelling at her to stop or screaming, “Go to your room now. If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”

All of the following behaviors are reactions that low-road processing enables. This is the road the attuned, loving parent shuns. If you are a loving parent who has fallen into the trap of one or another, sit down with your child to explain and apologize.

5 Things a Loving Parent Never Says

1. Use words as weapons of shame or blame.
Whether it’s calling a weeping child a “cry baby” or a “sissy” or telling a child he or she is “stupid,” “fat” or “lazy,” the damage is done: Words wound just as much, sometimes more, than slaps. Recent research shows that the neural networks for physical and emotional pain are one and the same. Additionally, as the work of Martin Teicher and his colleagues showed, the kind of stress verbal abuse induces causes permanent changes to parts of the developing brain. How powerful is the force of verbal aggression? In 2014, Ann Polcari, Keren Rabi, Elizabeth Bolger, and Teicher examined whether verbal affection from one parent or both could offset the effects of one parent’s verbal abuse. The sobering conclusion: No. Verbal affection expressed by either the other parent or the parent who was aggressive in the first place does not mitigate the effects of verbal aggression. Bad is stronger than good.

Shaming a child is abusive behavior which inflicts lasting damage. If you have it in your head that talking to your child this way will make your kid “tougher” or make him or her “wise up,” you could not possibly be more wrong. I have heard many unloved daughters say that they wished a parent had hit or physically beaten them “because then the scars would show.” Don’t kid yourself: Words are weapons.

2. Begin a reprimand with the phrase, “You always…”
Possessions get broken and lost, children make mistakes, and sometimes they behave badly. All of that is true and, as a parent, there will be moments when a reprimand is necessary. If they don’t listen, run across a busy street, or do exactly what you told them not to do, your first impulse may be to lash out because that part of your brain, the reactive part, is mighty powerful. But this is the moment at which you must hew to the high road.

Why shouldn’t you begin a sentence with these words? Because you’re no longer addressing the behavior but attacking the child for being who he or she is. The words “you always” turn what is supposed to be a parent’s response to a single event or action into a litany of everything the child isn’t and should be. This behavior is highly toxic in adult relationships—marital expert John Gottman calls it “kitchensinking,” as in you recall everything your partner ever did that was wrong—but it is absolutely devastating to a child’s sense of self.

Variations on the theme include “Can’t you ever…"; “What is wrong with you?” and more. Don’t use words that personalize the wrong the child has committed in this way.

3. Dismiss a child’s feelings by saying he or she’s too “sensitive."
This was my own mother’s mantra. Telling a child that he or she is “too sensitive” is common behavior among unloving, unattuned parents since it effectively shifts the responsibility and blame from their behavior to the child’s supposed inadequacies. A young child doesn’t have the self-confidence to counter this assertion and will assume that she’s done something wrong. She will often believe that her sensitivity is the problem and that, in turn, leads her to mistrust both her feelings and perceptions.

This is a more subtle form of emotional abuse, but it is highly damaging because there are numerous take-away lessons, such as: “What you feel doesn’t matter to me or anyone else,” and, “The fault is yours because something is wrong with you.”

4. Compare one child to another.
Sibling rivalry is common, but as recent studies have shown, it's not benign. Any parent who manipulates the tension and competition between and among siblings is either woefully misinformed or downright cruel. Statements such as “Why can’t you be more like Jimmy?” or “Your sister’s success should inspire you to try to do one thing right” are not inspirational. All they do is make a child feel “less than.” A loving parent recognizes that each child is an individual.

5. Ignore a child’s personal space or boundaries.
As a child grows and develops, a good parent makes adjustments along the way; what works with a rambunctious toddler will not necessarily be the approach you want to take with a seventh-grader testing out his or her social skills. Respecting a child’s boundaries in an age-appropriate way—recognizing her need for privacy and for enough room to articulate feelings and thoughts without worrying about reprisal or criticism—not only permits a child to be herself but teaches that part of emotional connection involves being respectful of other people’s boundaries. 

There are numerous ways unattuned parents ignore boundaries. An authoritarian parent who requires conformity to a rigid set of rules and norms not only puts a child in a role where he is constantly trying to please or placate a taskmaster but also ignores him as a unique individual with unique qualities. These parents may mock a child for his interests (“Why would you want to take art classes? It’s for sissies”) if they don’t fall within the parent’s list of “acceptable” or “valuable” activities. All of this weakens a child’s sense of self and isolates him.

Similarly, a self-involved parent who sees her child only as an extension of herself doesn’t, by definition, recognize the child’s boundaries. These children become inveterate pleasers, insecure in themselves, without a real sense of self. They may suffer in adult relationships because they have learned either to armor themselves—mistaking walls for boundaries and becoming avoidant of connection—or to be anxious and clingy.

Enmeshed parents also don’t acknowledge the child’s separateness, and suffocate their children emotionally. Parents who can’t permit their children to make mistakes or who are “helicopter” parents also don’t recognize boundaries and end up communicating the message that the child is incompetent or incapable of functioning on his own.

Parenting is learned behavior in our species and nothing prevents any of us from being dedicated students, learning and growing from our mistakes and always hewing to the high road.

What do you think?

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Sharing - Inspiring Quotes

~ Posted on Friday, January 15, 2016 at 12:52 AM ~

Inspiring Quotes

Sharing - Parenting Tips From Warren Buffett To Set Your Kids Up For Success

~ Posted on Monday, January 11, 2016 at 7:46 AM ~

Businessman extraordinaire and investing genius Warren Buffett wants kids to learn about business at a young age — not so they can start buying stocks with their lunch money, but so they can develop smart habits that will help them in business and throughout their future.

"When a kid at 8, 9, or 10 years old learns the basics of how finance works and how to behave in a business relationship, he or she can apply those lessons throughout their lives," says Buffett. "Practicing those good habits over a lifetime can have huge beneficial consequences, not just for business, but for a person's happiness and even how their families develop."

To help kids learn to develop good financial (and life) habits, Buffett partnered with Amy and Andy Heyward to create the Secret Millionaires Club, which has a new book out: "How to Start Your Very First Business." So what advice does Warren Buffett's Secret Millionaires Club's new book have to offer young people who want to take their lemonade stand to the next level?

1. Don't be afraid to speak up and ask for what you want.

If you need something to start your business — equipment, advice, supplies, a place to set up a table — start talking to people. You may find someone who has the equipment you need and no longer wants it. Someone else may know of the perfect venue for your event or sale. Identify people who can help you and then make the strongest case you can about why they should lend a hand. You may not always get what you ask for. In fact, the best businesspeople in the world are used to not getting what they want every time they ask. But speaking up is an absolutely essential skill.

2. Do your best to anticipate your customers' needs.

Buffett says, "If your service is outstanding, you'll always stand out." So listen to your customers. If you are running a snow-shoveling business, watch the weather forecast. If snow is on the horizon, you can reach out to your customers and make a plan before they are buried under a foot of snow.

3. Start a starter business.

There's no substitute for getting out there and trying things. But if you have a big idea, you may need to start small to raise the money you need for a more costly business. You'll learn a ton from your initial business so you'll be better prepared for the big one. If landscaping is your dream business, you may have to weed a few small gardens first.

4. If you don't know all of the skills you need to succeed in your field, that's OK.

You just need to be willing to figure them out. Take a class, read a book, ask lots of questions. Start out slowly and grow your business as you learn more skills. As Warren Buffett says, "The more you learn, the more you earn!"

5. "Failure isn't falling down, it's staying down."

Starting a business isn't easy. There are going to be bad days, rejected pitches, and unexpected hiccups along the way. Adapt and come up with creative solutions to the problems you encounter. Try a new location, do a clever promotion, or tweak your product to improve your sales.

6. Be honest and fair. Being a person of integrity is invaluable in business and in life.

Be honest about what you can deliver. Be reliable. If you've made a mistake, apologize and do your best to quickly make up for it. When you treat people with kindness and respect, they want to spend more time with you — and that goes for clients, business partners, and friends. Buffett is fond of saying, "You can't make a good deal with a bad person."

7. Give back.

Creating a successful business isn't just about making money. It is about contributing to the world around you. Many of the young entrepreneurs featured in "How to Start Your Very First Business" incorporate philanthropy into their business models. "There are an unlimited number of good things to be done in the world," says Buffett. Be creative, think about what is important to you, to your community, or to the world, and you'll find a way to contribute. And remember, sharing your time can be just as valuable as donating money.

8. Enlist a mentor.

A mentor may be able to walk you through a process that's new to you. Or maybe together you can brainstorm a smart solution to a tough problem. Sometimes just knowing that someone else has gone through what you are going through can make all the difference for your outlook.

9. "Do not save what is left after spending, spend what is left after saving."

Buffett believes that one of the most beneficial lessons a kid can learn is that saving is a habit. If you make saving a habit early on, it will be ingrained in you for life, which can help you avoid countless unpleasant situations later.

Parenting Tips From Warren Buffett

** Source

** Note: I have disabled the commenting feature on my blog engine thanks to all the spammers who happily spam my blog every day. If you wish to ask me any questions, you can find me at my Facebook page (I'm there almost everyday) or just drop me an email if you wish to maintain some anonymity.