I'm a full-time mummy

This post may be a little bit too much information to be shared with you all, but it's my blog. I want to write it down.

After over two years since I started getting pregnant in June 2008, gave birth to Ben in March 2009 and now, July 2010... 9th July 2010 to be exact, I'm getting my 1st ever period after 2 years plus. I dread this day, not because of the pain or cramps or pimples or moodiness that comes along with it. Don't get me wrong, prior to being pregnant, I was regularly being very happy when I get my period. Not sure whether my hormones are normal or not but yeah, I was happy instead of being moody like most women.

And now, 2 years plus, or I think to be exact, 25 months on... I am getting my period. I am sad cos whenever I read any mother's blog post about getting period, it means they have weaned. But I have NOT weaned yet, and still it felt like that way.

I am still breastfeeding Ben since the day he was born, 16 months on now... and yes, not a speck of formula powder in the house at all since day 1. I'm not sure how long I can breastfeed on. I hope this period doesn't interfere with the breastmilk. It has always been my wish to breastfeed Ben for as long as he wants, and I don't want to be the one to stop it.

According to this website:

"Almost anything is considered normal when it comes to your periods while breastfeeding. All women experience a time of postpartum bleeding following birth which is not considered a menstrual period. If bottle-feeding, most mothers will have their first real period not long after this. Breastfeeding, however, suppresses menstruation at least for a while. For some mothers, there may be an absence of menstruation for weeks, months, and even years while still breastfeeding. Some mothers will even need to completely wean before they see their first period. Others, once their babies begin taking supplemental foods or sleeping longer periods at night, will see the first period. Once menstruation returns it may continue to be irregular during lactation. It's not uncommon to have a shorter or longer than normal period while breastfeeding. It's also not abnormal to skip a period or see the first period return and then find that months pass before the next one.

When the first period returns depends upon several factors: how frequently the baby is nursing, how often the baby is supplemented with bottles, whether or not the baby takes a pacifier, how long the baby is sleeping at night, whether or not solids have been introduced, and the mother's own individual body chemistry and the way it responds to hormonal influences associated with breastfeeding. Any time the stimulation to the breast is decreased, especially at night, menstruation is likely to return soon after.

When menstruation does return, you should consider yourself fertile and take precautions against pregnancy if desired. Some women consider their first period as their "warning period" that they are now capable of becoming pregnant. However, it IS possible to become pregnant before the first period returns, although quite rare.

The return of menstruation does not mean the end of breastfeeding. The milk does not sour or "go bad" when you are having a period. The milk is no less nutritious when you are menstruating than when you are not. Some women do notice a temporary drop in milk supply in the days just prior to a period and for a few days into one. This is due to hormonal fluctuations. Once the period begins and hormone levels begin to return to normal, the milk supply will boost back up again. Most babies can compensate well for this temporary drop in supply with more frequent nursing.

Nipple tenderness occurs for some women during ovulation, during the days before a period, or at both times. Some mothers report a feeling of antisiness while nursing at these times, too. As with the drop in supply this is also hormonally influenced and therefore temporary.

Some babies may detect a slight change in the taste of the milk just before a period, again, due to hormonal changes. These same babies may nurse less often or less enthusiastically during this time as a result."

Okay, I am comforted by these few statements:

* The return of menstruation does not mean the end of breastfeeding.

* The milk does not sour or "go bad" when you are having a period.

* The milk is no less nutritious when you are menstruating than when you are not.

Currently, Ben nursed about 2-3 times during daytime (I nursed him to sleep for his daytime naps) and about 2-3 times also at night when he sleeps (he dreamfeeds - meaning, breastfeeding while still asleep). I can count with 1 hand the number of times he uses a pacifier (we don't encourage the idea of using one anyway, just that MIL insisted to use it and failed...).

Oh, I do hope I can breastfeed as long as possible. I really really dread to think the bond is going to be broken one of this days... I love breastfeeding Ben!

Ben, mummy promise you, mummy will try her very best to breastfeed you for as long as it takes. If one day mummy has no more breastmilk for you, please know that it doesn't mean mummy loves you less. (After all mummy quits her job so that she can breastfeeds you!)

Here is another awesome article I found that I would like to share through my own blog meme, along with my own personal experience:

Learning To Comfort

Reading this article reminds me of the time when my mum was in the ICU, days before she passed away. Mum was still conscious then but her kidneys are failing and she's been feeling weak and having difficulty in breathing.

I would like to share about the story of this old lady (in her mid 50s) next to mum's bed who is a diabetic as well, and she has been suffering from diabetes for over 7 years. One of her leg is wounded and starting to excrete pus, and the pus which also went into her blood circulation is making her unconscious and unaware of her surroundings. When she is awake, she sometimes cannot recognise her own family members. I have seen her talking adoringly to her husband and children (1 daughter, 2 sons). I have seen her scolding the doctors and hitting the nurse. I have seen her screaming for her husband to get out of the dialysis room, threatening to stab the 6 inch needle (use for dialysis) to her own veins if he did not leave the room, while continuing to scream out profanities and saying her husband did not support her living, did not even give her 50 dollars.

I was sitting on the other side of the bed next to my mum when all this happened (very scared she will stab any of us in the room actually). This are not her own actions. It's the pus which poisons her blood and goes into her brain that made her react that way. I remembered thanking God that my mum is not sick like that. Even though her kidneys are failing, she does recognise us. I mean, can you imagine how sad it will be for your own loved ones to curse and scold you and cannot even recognise you?

Anyway, back at the ICU unit when the dialysis session was over, we found out that the old lady's condition is getting worse and the doctor recommended that her leg be amputated to stop the pus from getting worse. As I was still at the ICU ward, I couldn't help but listened to the conversation as well and I saw how sad the old lady's family members were. I prayed for God's will on my mum's conditions.

When the old lady woke up, she didn't even remember the scene at the dialysis room. I saw her reactions when her family members told her what the doctor said. I saw how she cried that her leg is going to be cut off. I saw how her family members cried with her as well. If the leg was not amputated, the pus will spread further and she will be in worse conditions. You see, just the pus around her foot is causing her to threaten to stab her own veins.. imagine if the pus spreads all over her body? Now, if the leg was amputated, there maybe side effects as well.. as a diabetic patient, we all know that any injury to the foot especially is very very dangerous and risky. It's kinda like a do will die, don't do also will die situation...

Sometime later while the surgeons are getting ready for the operation, I went to the lounge room just outside the ICU unit (2 sofas provided for family members and visitors) and saw the old lady's daughter sitting on the sofa, body slumped and looking miserable. Until today, I do not know how I can bring myself or have the courage to approach the girl and asked her whether I can pray for her and her mother.

Here I am, with a mother who is fighting for her dear life, kidneys failing, mouth coughing out blood as she tried to breathe... offering a prayer to a stranger... I have never in my life be so brave to do that. I never dared to approach a stranger, never dared to even offer any prayers, let alone tell people I am a Christian. And I'm doing all of that at that instant. The girl (around my age) said yes to my prayer request. I was very nervous as I've never done this type of thing before in my life!

(* Photo taken from Google image search)

As she bent her head low and listened, I prayed with her. I prayed for God to protect her mother and for His will to be done. I prayed that her family will be given strength and comfort in overcoming the obstacle. I prayed for the surgeons skillful hand and wisdom in making the right decisions during the operation. I prayed that if her mother should be taken away, to let it be swift and that she will be spared from any sufferings.

Needless to say, the operation was a success. Although the old lady lost her leg, she is able to recover from the operation and was transferred to a normal ward after that. I have no idea what happened to the old lady or the girl as my mum passed away few days later. I did not get to see the girl again. But I am glad I did what I think is right. I am happy to be able to offer a bit of comfort to the girl, even though I desperately needed to be comforted as well... I do wish her and her mother well and I thank God for the courage He gave me to be able to pray and comfort a stranger despite my own situation.

* Please hover mouse and read more on: John 14:1, 2 Corinthians 1:5

This is my first Writer's Workshop entry in my own blog domain. For this week's, I'm choosing this prompt:

"2.) I wish I would have...describe a time when you didn't take action, but later wished you would have."

I wish I had stayed on at the hospital and be there when my mum passed away.

I seriously do. Sometimes I wonder whether that will change anything since my mum is in and out of consciousness during the last few days of her life, but how I wish I would have stayed just that one night and be there for her.

Mum was diagnosed with diabetes sometime in 2006 when my dad was having problems with his gout and other health problems. When dad passed away in April 06',  mum's conditions seems to worsen. I suspected that she has been neglecting her health when my dad passed away.. I mean, what will you do if your life partner for 3 decades plus passed away?

After dad passed away, there's only me and my mum left in the house. My elder brother stays about half an hour car ride away with his own family. My mum is a housewife, she cooks, cleans, chat with her sister and best friend on the phone sometimes, listens to radio, read newspapers and watched TV to pass her time. I continued back to work after things settled down and brought mum for her monthly healthy checks (her diabetes is under control by taking medicines).

One day, while I was getting ready to go work, I woke her up to tell her I'm leaving and she doesn't respond to me. She nods her head, and then she shakes it, and then she looks elsewhere. Very out of place look - she goes in and out of consciousness and fainted then. I realised something is not right and called my hubby (then boyfriend) and brother (at work already). Hubby rushed over (about an hour car ride) and helped send my mum to hospital. It was then that we were told her kidney conditions are getting worse. She's having low glucose level which caused her to be unconscious and unaware of the surroundings. The doc said had I continued to work and leave her at home, she might have passed away.

Mum was discharged a week after - she had no recollections of fainting and it was during the 1 week stay at the hospital that my sister in law (God bless you Rachel ceh-ceh!) brought a church friend (Cantonese speaking) over to visit mum and I got an SMS from Rachel in the afternoon that my mum had just said the sinner's prayer. Words cannot describe my feelings as I read that testimony. In fact, my tears still wells up whenever I think of this.. and as I'm writing this. Well, mum said her sinner's prayer and got better, her blood sugar was stabilised again and was sent home and we went on a strict food diet with her.

About few months later, I went on a holiday with hubby to Hanoi (we bought the tickets at the beginning of the year) and as mum's conditions have been maintained OK so far (her doctor told us a week before we went on holiday that mum's conditions are improving), we went ahead and mum went to stay with my brother and his family. On the last day of our holiday, I got a call from my brother that my mum's getting sick again. Apparently she went to the toilet (my brother and his wife went to work and their daughter was at the nanny's place) and was not able to even stand up - her kidneys are giving her problems that she does not have the energy to even push herself to a stand. She was stuck sitting on the toilet seat for the whole day until my brother and his family got home after work. They managed to get my mum up again and she refused to be send to hospital until I got back to Malaysia. Of course at this point I was angry, angry at my brother for not insisting to send her to hospital, angry at myself for going away on a holiday.

When we got home, we sent mum to the hospital and from there on, she had to go for dialysis as both her kidneys are damaged now. Every evening she had to go for dialysis and even though the needle is very long, thick and sharp, mum did not once complained of the pain at all. I really admire my mum's strength in overcoming her pain and problems. Mum was admitted to ICU for about 10 days and then her situation got better and she was transferred to a normal ward but within the same day, she was re-transferred back to ICU. During the brief few hours she was at the normal ward (sharing the room with 3 other women), mum was babbling stuff and keep saying the room is hot and dark. We tried to adjust the air-cond to the coldest temperature we could (even though it was later changed back by one of the patient's family cos it was too cold), we opened up all the curtains and windows but mum still says its dark and hot. And she also mumbled things like asking her mum (my grandma passed away about 2 years before that) to wait for her. In my mind, I prayed and said quietly 'Grandma, if you are really here, please go away. If it's not mum's time to go, please don't come disturb her.'

After a while mum slept and she was then transferred back to ICU. She was getting stable back in ICU but was still receiving dialysis treatments. Because I had just started work in a new place, I still go to work but left half an hour early everyday and walked to the hospital (about 15 minutes walking distance - there's no bus stop at my working place). On the weekends, I will overnight at the small lounge outside the ICU unit (family members are only allowed to overnight at the lounge sofa and a small room provided. No bed nothing for you but just the 2 sofa). Mum celebrated her 60th birthday at the ICU, I managed to pass a message to the hospital nurse to wish her birthday at 12am. For the few days after that, she slips in and out of consciousness and her body start to bloat with fluids. Doctor said her kidneys are getting bad and fluid retention is causing her body to bloat.

The day before mum passed away, I overnight at the ICU and my mum's relatives came over to visit her. Mum slips in and out of consciousness and I'm not sure whether she knows what is happening. The night before she passed away, the nurse told us to go home and she'll give us a call if there's anything.  I hesitated and the nurse said there's nothing much I can do by overnight-ing att he lounge and I was already there fr few days.  So, I went home and hubby stays for the night with me and the next morning at 7am, I got a call from the nurse saying that my mum's heartbeat is dropping and they told me to hurry up to the hospital. By the time we reached the hospital in 15 minutes, mum is already gone. She passed away on 11th Jan 07'.

I reached the ICU unit to see my mum covered up in a white sheet. I wish I had stay on the night before, at least I get to be near her when she leaves. I was there when my dad passed away and I do wish to be there when my mum passed away. I feel sorry for not being there when she goes. I'm only comforted with the memories that I get to spend some of her waking and conscious days praying and reading her bible stories, getting to hear her said 'Amen' when I finished telling the stories, getting to go church once with her, getting to tell her that I love her.. but I really do wish I could just turn back to that 1 night and stayed on...

* In loving memory.. *